Sunday, March 27, 2011


I can't seem to stop laying in bed. I went to bed at eight last night, and then woke up around noon today. I then spent a better part of the day laying in bed with my laptop. I finally got up when a friend wanted me to come visit. I am so tired lately. My blood doesn't seem to be flowing the way it should. Maybe I'm depressed? Let's hope I snap out of it soon.

I've been having trouble drawing things. What is this, an eight year artblock? I think that lately it's less been an artblock, and more been a loss of skills due to lack of practice. I've been doing what I can to overcome it, but without much luck. Every so often I seem to be in the zone to make something, and I treasure those few times. But I've had to cut corners each time. I haven't drawn a complete face in a very long time.

I wish I could say that I've had a lack of ideas of interesting things to draw, but that just is not true. I've actually been posting ideas of interesting things to draw on my cork board. There's some good stuff up there. But I can't seem to get any of it out. Maybe because they're all different people?

I'm just bitter because I tried to draw some clouds the other day, and they turned out terribly. They used to be the one thing I was good at, and I totally failed it. Total stab to the ego.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

The Perfect Perfect

It is Saturday.

Saturday means a few things for me:
- I won't do any homework
- I probably won't eat a proper meal
- I won't get out of bed until well past noon
- I won't get dressed until about 4pm
- I won't shower unless I am literally leaking grossness
- I won't accomplish anything, not even fun stuff

That is, until about 5 or 6 pm, at which point I suddenly clean up, polish my mind, and go play DnD with some friends. But yeah, except for that, I like to waste my Saturdays doing nothing at all. Sometimes I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling for hours. Often times, the only things I eat are a cup of tea and a few handful of almonds. I've heard of people going on eating binges on the weekends, but I pretty much do the exact opposite. I'm just not hungry on the weekends.

Anyways, last night I had a dream about DnD, pirates, and hugs. We were playing an epic game of DnD and it was great. Then I lost a special dice mean for a special someone (just a d8, actually), and I felt awful about it. It had fallen overboard off the pirate ship we were on. I required hugs to feel better. Then another friend of mine found it, and I required hugs to thank her. Then I gave the missing die back, and required hugs to apologize. Then a large tsunami wave came to kill us all, and I required hugs for protection. We all survived, but out pirate ship crashed. We had a group hug.

For some reason, after waking up, I felt like I could really use a hug.

Friday, March 25, 2011


That terrible feeling you get when you completely disagree with somebody's actions, but for some reason or another you can't let them know about your feelings on the topic, eventually you end up helping them because they can't do it without you, and at the end of it all they thank you for everything you've done and you feel sick.

I think the word for this one might be regret, but that seems far too vague.

I think sometimes that I'm in the wrong major. I have a lot of hobbies and interests that I enjoy doing, and I could turn them into legit jobs if I wanted to. It would be an absolute dream to go to school and study material sciences, and then go on to become a prop maker for big-budget Hollywood movies. I would thoroughly enjoy studying anatomy and art, and becoming an illustrator for medical books and diagrams and whatnot. How neat would it be to study psychology in school, and then become an expert on the subconscious mind and dreams? I could become a novelist, or a computer programmer, or even a musician.

But I treat all of these things as hobbies. I can always make things in my spare time. I draw whenever I feel like it. I dream every night. I can write, code, or play music any day of the week.

So why don't I feel like it's worth my time to make any of these things more than a hobby? I've picked a major that is pretty much none of these things. My major is something I would never do in my free time. I mean, I find what I'm studying to be interesting. But wouldn't it make more sense to study something I have a passion in? Something that I'll take home and work on, whether or not it's been assigned? I'd like to rewind a few years and pick a school better suited to my tastes. I thought I knew what I wanted, but it seems I've changed my mind.

Granted, though, I'm a terrible musician. I don't think I could actually turn that one into a job.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


That feeling of picking up a new craft with cumbersome tools, and thinking that there must be a better way of doing things, and as you work you can think of only improvements that can be made to these tools, but after years of work there is a general complacency as you learn how to use to tools effectively, and eventually you forget any and all innovations and just use the tools the only way you know how.

I feel that way about web browsers, keyboards, carving wood, acrylic paints, the US government, web forums, IM clients, clay sculpting, video games, and silverware.

I can't even begin to think of a word to describe this feeling.

Monday, March 21, 2011

All Of The

There is a very important thing that I need to get done this afternoon, but for the life of me I can't remember what it is. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with how my mother's birthday is tomorrow. All I know is, because of the importance of this thing, I am procrastinating like crazy. I'm putting it off and I don't even know what it is.

I just got back from spring break. Kayla and I went on a road trip. We saw Mount Rushmore, shopped at mall of America, checked out Lake Superior, and drove a lot. Lots and lots of driving.

Mount Rushmore is creepy during the off season. Entire towns pretty much shut down. Closed For The Season signs on every door.

People in South Dakota have no idea how to drive.

Minnesota has the worst laid-out highways I have ever seen. Especially near cities.

Lake Superior is actually pretty nice, but I got the feeling I wasn't supposed to be there and someone was going to kill me in my sleep.

North Dakota... North Dakota. What the fuck is up with your highways?! What were you thinking?! Were you trying to break the suspension in every car that drives through?!

A while ago, I was thinking about how well I can hear my neighbor through the wall when she's on the phone. Either she speaks super loud on the phone, or she stands and talks at my wall while she does it. And then I thought about how she must be able to hear me equally well. Now, I make weird noises and say odd stuff just to confuse her. Today, I'm watching some Let's Play of scary games on my TV, with the volume turned up loud enough to sound like the person is totally in my room. Lots of screaming and cursing. Must be confusing for her.

The other day, I played some foreign talk radios. Some language I couldn't even recognize. I would pause them and talk back at them sometimes.

I decided to make her think I was an alien, and would go around my room making beeping noises. "MISSION--ACCOMPLISHED COMMANDER. BIP."

And sometimes I just say weird things to myself, but now I make a point of saying them at her wall. "I'm sorry, theater makes me violent." "No, the owl does not belong in my boot." "Why am I making myself look like myself?" "There are no words on it! Fix that!"