Monday, January 12, 2009


How strange it is to think that I am pulling so many A's in so many of my classes, and yet I am completely uncertain about whether or not I will graduate. It's a dreadful feeling, uncertainty. I usually experience it when I look towards the future. Rarely does it come when I look at the past.

But then, the past carries regret.

Anyhow, what I'm trying to get at is how I think the school district is trying to cockblock my diploma. I reviewed last night everything I need to do to be able to see my diploma this June. Many things I can officially check off the list, such as passing grades K through 11. That is twelve check marks right there, and it feels good. I've also completed so many years of math and passed the WASL, which seems to be the two main things that keeps kids from graduating on time. But I still have some really big checkmarks whose due dates are coming up here in a couple weeks. The biggest being my culminating project. I've had so much difficulty with this thing, but I do beleive I will get it all done and turned in on time. The only problem is that most of it needs to be done and turned in by the 29th (actually, by this Friday if I don't want to make any enemies) or else I will fail one of the only classes required for seniors.

The idea that I might fail this class enrages me. I don't honestly know how I could make it up if I failed. Unless I become a super senior. If I have to repeat a year, I may just stab somebody.

This all just reminds me of why I wanted to become a teacher a while back. I was sick of being dumped into classes with incredibly poor teachers, and I was sick of being apart of a failing education system. So instead of complaining, for a good few years I commited myself to becoming apart of the solution. I would become a teacher--And I already know that I am a good teacher. Or, at least, I am a lot better than many I have faced. I would work hard to make certain all of my students understood the subjects I taught. I would also be working my way into the school board. So that I could begin working to change an educational system that desperately needed revision. (Don't you love how I talk about the future with past tense?) It was a plan I put into action in junior high.

Yes, I was so gung-ho about my mission I found a way to get started even before highschool.

My plan crumbled when I realized how very much I hate children. I would be no good as a teacher unless I was teaching highschool kids, and even then it might be too late for them to learn anything substantial. I still continued with some of the larger chunks of my plan, I even threw around a lot of money to help further me along. But I can tell you right now that I will not be becoming a teacher.

So here I am now, a student whose main priority is graduation. I am a good student when I wish to be, and overall a very smart kid. And yet, graduation is not a definite thing for me, when I can name right now some kids my age who can barely read that will be hearing their name get called.

... I was helping a kid today write an essay. They didn't understand the difference between an introductory paragraph and a body paragraph. I had them read the essay to me, and it consisted of five introduction paragraphs.
They are a winner and will graduate years before I ever do.

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