Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Spider Gates Hotel

I swear to God, spiders are making me agoraphobic. Every time I go outside, I find a few more webs placed around the yard. I took the trash out, just a quick walk to the side of the house, and by the end of it I was prancing about like a sissy, freaking out about all the spiders. Seriously, this close to bawling my eyes out. Why are there so many spiders in exactly our deck area? Other bugs don't freak me out as much. I like to smush them when they crawl on me. But if I find a spider on something, that object is cursed and I'll refuse to go near it for a while.

Once, a large spider built a huge web in our kitchen. It spanned from the ceiling to the top of the kitchen counter. That was a smart place for the spider, but damned inconvenient for me. Every time I went into the kitchen, I would eye that spider as if it were pointing a gun at me.

I was sitting on the couch once, and I noticed a smattering of black spots in a ceiling corner. Hundreds of tiny little dots, so small it was as if someone drew them there with a fine pen. I stood on the couch and got my face reeaall close, so that I could see what it was, and if I could clean it. (I thought maybe it was mold.) It was spiders. Hundreds of spiders that had just hatched from an eggsack that must have been so tight in the corner nobody noticed it. I thought at first they had all died, until they all started moving super-slowly. Swarming spiders in my living room. I freaked out and shut myself in my room for the rest of the day. The spiders were still there the next morning, but it was the day the cleaning lady comes by. The spiders were gone when I came home from school, so she must have gotten rid of them.

A daddy longlegs decided it was time to die in my room, once. It made a crappy lump of web, and hung itself from it. I seriously think it commited suicide by hanging. It also decided that the best place to do this would be the corner by my bed. I was too afraid to clean it up, but also too afraid to sleep. So I would just lie in bed in fear every night. Two days later, mum came in and went "Ew," and just picked it up and took it away. She is a brave woman.

We had a chronic spider problem in my bathroom for a while. Spiders would crawl up the skylight, and then try to crawl upside-down on the glass, only to lose their footing and fall. Usually onto me, just as I was getting out of the shower. I screamed every time. A few times I'd be on the toilet, and one would fall. They never died on impact, just became dazed for a while. Once a spider fell and landed, but wasn't really stunned. I was all alone in the house, so I ran downstairs, grabbed a cup, and captured it. Kinda. I just left it there underneath the glass for a week. It was in the bathroom, so I'm surprised nobody moved it.

There was a particularly large spider on my bed. I dropped a textbook on it. But because my bed is soft, the spider didn't get squished, and just tried to scramble away instead. I dropped the book back on it. Along with seven other textbooks I had in my room. I left a large stack of books on my bed for a few hours, until mum came in and asked me about it. She removed the books, grabbed the (uncrushed) spider with a tissue, and walked away.

A spider crawled onto my shoulder one recess during a soccer game. I didn't notice until another girl pointed it out. I looked down, and I swear to God the spider was all "Jolly good day for a match, wot wot" it was sitting there so perfectly. That was the girliest moment of my life--I squealed, danced about, and acted like a girl until the spider fell off.

Okay, enough spider stories, it's making me really itchy.

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