Tuesday, September 2, 2008


School starts tomorrow. I am terribly depressed about this. But, hopefully things will look up again soon.

I have for you the transcript of a dream I had. I think this dream embodies everything about my entire life. Without even skipping a beat. And then, I will bare my soul about this dream.
(Jum is a faceless friend, nobody of real importance.)

Jum stands at the head of Kelly's desk.
Kelly, you know a lot about walruses. Will you draw me one?

Kelly: Sure.
Kelly bows her head down and makes circling motions with her pencil as she draws.
Jum places a finger at the top of the paper once Kelly has finished drawing.
Jum: Kelly...
Both look up, and for the intensity and duration of a heartbeat, their gazes lock.
Jum: This is not a walrus. This is a blowdryer.
Kelly: You're right.
Both are unfazed.

I don't even know where to begin with this dream. It seems as though every little thing that happens
has some dear meaning to me. So let's start at the beginning. That's logical.

Walrus: I will admit that for a good chunk of my life, I have been depressed. During the last half of seventh grade, it got pretty severe. So everyday for about six months, I would come home and lock myself in my room, researching walruses until about 3 in the morning. I did not enjoy doing this at all, and felt very stressed about it. I decided I was done with my research when I made a poster presentation and threw it in the trash.

Draw me one: I draw in class a lot. So I tend to get requests for artwork. This ties into

This is not a walrus: I never actually draw anything for anyone. On rare occaisions I'll do a request, but most of the time I just end up avoiding the person until they change schools.

Bows her head: Totally symbolizes an aspect of my relationship with my father. When he tells me to do something, I can not put it off for even a minute. It needs to be done as soon as he asks. Because of this, I'm timely, and blindly submissive.

Circling motions: Even before I could spell, I've wanted to be a cartoonist of some sort. Comics, animations, you name it I attempted it. In cartoons, you often see that when a character writes, the top of their pencil makes little circles. In reality, the motion of the pencil depends on the letter being drawn. I always compare the motions I see in reality to motions I see in cartoons. Sometimes, the only thing I'll notice about a person is that they blink like a Simpson.

Gazes lock: This happens to me so often. Somebody, usually a boy, will be standing in front of me as we work together on some school thing, or as I draw a picture. They will point to what I have just done, and look up to see my reaction as they make a statement about it. I look up to figure out the emotion they are trying to convey (Is it positive? Is it negative? Is it a question?). They always stop talking for a split second when I look up before they finish what they were saying. Looking back on this now, I realize how awkward this must be for the other party. Hmm.

You're right: I say so little all the time. I once had somebody on the internet ask me if I was a chatbot. Probably because all I did was either prompt them for more statements (Oh? Is that so? Do tell. Really?), or ask them about their recent statement (How faw away do they live? Is that hard to do?).

Unfazed: Tying in with Gazes Lock. While they are obviously stunned by my ultimate beauty or lost in my captivating gaze, I have no idea that anything is happening. Kelly is all business as usual. So I tend to be ultimately unfazed by any suddenly romantic moments. Also, I tend to be unfazed by any moments of any sort, and thus have a tendency to be unfazed by life.

As I read that dream over again and again, I find more and more little things that have meaning. But I'm too tired, and too lazy, to keep talking about myself.

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